Many of you know me as a tarantula obsessed woman on the internet thanks to my Tarantula Tuesday videos and my tarantula guide. BUT, when I’m not doing that I am working full time as a therapist!

If you’ve been following my videos closely, you know that sometimes I like to combine my knowledge of psychology and therapeutic practices with tarantula keeping. I’ve spoken quite a bit about how tarantulas can be helpful with anxiety, depression, and many other mental health symptoms due to their soothing nature. I recently stumbled across something I’d written quite a while ago and it reminded me of something I use quite a bit in my therapy sessions: The Love Languages.

What is a Love Language?

Created by Dr. Gary Chapman, Love Languages are ways to express and experience love between people. This is usually used in romantic relationships, however I use the Love Languages to help family members and friends to better understand each other as well. There are basically 5 love languages:

• words of affirmation: For example, being told “I love you” or being given compliments
• quality time: Doing an activity together or spending time together
• giving gifts: Through presents
• acts of service: For example, favors or tasks
• physical touch: For example, hugs, holding hands, etc. (nonsexual)

Knowing someone’s Love Language can be profoundly helpful in recognizing what their needs are. An obvious example about how this could be misunderstood is a partner who continues to buy their gf/bf gifts when their partner’s love language is quality time and that’s what they’re really craving. Because this partner’s love language isn’t being met, they’re going to feel unfulfilled and unstatisfied in this relationship, causing other issues.

Now, for the golden question – how the hell does this relate to tarantulas? Well, when I was a new tarantula owner, I didn’t know Spidey’s love language. I was very focused on physical touch – wanting to hold her and interact with her – which was the exact OPPOSITE of what SHE wanted and needed. I guess if I had to pinpoint the love language of a tarantula, it would be acts of service. She doesn’t need much other than for her physical needs to be met through acts of service, and LOTS of alone time.

Back in 2015, in my earlier years with Spidey, I wrote a Tumblr post that reflects what I have since learned about Love Languages. I’d done a lot of reflecting on how my original overly eager attitude of wanting to hold and bother Spidey a lot was actually harming her by stressing her out, and realized that the way I could REALLY care for her was to actually leave her alone.

I’ve been thinking about L.O.V.E. lately, and how to love people, and I think one of my greatest lessons have been what I’ve learned from taking care of my cat and tarantula.

The appropriate expression of love depends entirely on the animal.
Me selflessly loving my cat means letting her wake me up every night for cuddles and kisses even though I’m tired, and giving her tons of interaction and acknowledgement throughout the day. 

Me selflessly loving Spidey means leaving her alone most of the time and just keeping her space clean with water and food, even though I really want to pet or hold her. Some tarantulas are more social, but Spidey is happy doing her own thing lol.

My cat is very emotionally needy and affectionate, probably from being separated from her mom too early and being bullied by other cats. Spidey is calm, but gets nervous and scared when I give her too much attention. So I have to show love in different ways because they have different needs.

And I think people are the same way. What expression may have worked for one person might be stressful for another. Some people are like my cat and love lots of attention. Some people are like Spidey and shut down or get stressed out by it. Observing this has inspired me to look deeper into my actions, and deeper into the people around me to see if there are better ways to build trust, closeness and understanding. 

I had written this before I had gone back to grad school and learned about the Love Languages, so I was really happy to stumble upon this. I know that therapy and tarantulas aren’t something that usually goes together, but I hope that this helps others to understand their spiders better (or at the very least, helps you figure out your own love language or the love languages of your loved ones!). If you’d like to take a Love Language quiz, click here!

And to celebrate my two loves – tarantulas and therapy – coming together in one post, I’ve made a cute t-shirt, which you can get on my Etsy!